11
Oct
2018

Patrol Cars Expanded Despite Budget Crisis

Posted by Trip McNeally
Missoula Police Uber Lyft Car

Last month, the city of Missoula was faced with a budget crisis. Bush-league mayor John Engen proposed they dip into a reserve fund to help pay for raises for the council, himself, and a few other squandering projects he has in mind. This was met with resistance by one council member who refused to let the budget be voted on as a whole. In the end, Mayor Engen was able to get his way and the entire budget was passed with one vote.

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“It used to be, I’d wake up in the morning and pee on a whole value pack of pregnancy tests” claims Shanda Turner, 6 months pregnant. “I’d get the orders overnight and send them off in the mail that same day. Hell, I was making more in a day than my baby’s daddy at the construction site. Women are desperate to deceive their men.”

But Shanda’s lucrative income source has started to dry up with the recent changes in the political climate. Movements on social media such as #believeallwomen and #womendontlie have raised some questions on the larger practice of believing women.

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08
Oct
2018

Charges Come Forward Against Columbus

Posted by Rhyhahn Leeh

In a shocking report, Democratic National Senator Kamala Warren has come forward with reports that while attending college at Princeton, explorer Christopher Columbus sexually assualted her at a party in 1985.

This story has been corroborated by another Democratic Military leader, Major Ira Dumkunt, who states that she remembers the party where Columbus was coming on to Warren. In her media briefing, Warren stated that at the frat Columbus belonged to, they would constantly have blood-filled orgies and stone women for dressing in less than covering clothing. 

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06
Oct
2018

Four Non Offensive Halloween Costumes for the New Millennium

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Finally! A halloween that everyone can enjoy! Without worry of sending anyone back to their safe space to cling to the safety pin and therapy bear

 

 

We, at Denver Planet want everyone to have an inclusive, non-culturally appropriated, politically correct Halloween that is in accordance with the latest in Sensitivity training. 

 

Deciding on a costume has, until now, been an assault on the sensibilities navigating a maze of cultural appropriation, racial stereotypes and a complete disregard for the corporeally disadvantaged.

 

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05
Oct
2018

Hey Father Siri?

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

 

A new shortcut for iPhones that support iOS 12 is taking the Catholic world by storm.

 

 SacerdosSiri, the name given to the app by the Holy Father, will be released in time for Christmas, to enable a guilt free holiday.

 

Among the features found in SacerdosSiri are confessional reminders, hearing confession, offering of the Eucharist and Celebrating Mass.  The last feature only available for Wednesday night Mass.

 

No word as of yet about how “SacerdosSiri” and alter boy relations are going to be handled.

 

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ExpressCo Innovations, the vending machine concept giant that brought you such brilliant bits of convenience like the Bowling Alley Cigarette Vending machine and the Fresh Baked Pizza Stand in a Box has released the latest and greatest of all vending machines!  The Mechanical Mom!  

 

You read that right, folks! 

 

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