05
Sep
2018

Wildfire Started From Burning Nikes

Posted by Trip McNeally
Wildfire rips through Oregon
Burn your bra

A recent craze has taken over the internet. People of all likes are burning their Nike apparel after Nike signed Colin Kaeperrnick to a media deal.

Unlike the remarkable movement of burning bras, this movement is less productive and not nearly as enticing to societies around the globe. The actions even took a dastardly turn as one Oregon student burned his Nikes in a bonfire. The air pockets in the sole that are designed to cushion and contour the foot like a swaddled baby had ignited launching the shoe upwards of 75 feet in the air, and a distance of two miles.

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05
Sep
2018

Senate Deadlock Turns Violent

Posted by Trip McNeally

A Wednesday Senate session ended in a violent outrage after a deadlock couldn't be moved.

Democrats and Republicans weren't the only dividing factors in Wednesday's meeting. Both factions had a divide as the topic arose of who won, Eminem or Machine Gun Kelly.

In the picture seen above, Montana Senators Tester (R) and Daines (D) can be seen exchanging blows amongst the crowd of diplomats. Tester's PR firm released a statement.

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28
Aug
2018

Meeting Runs Late, Arts And Crafts Skipped

Posted by Trip McNeally

A Missoula City Council meeting ran late yesterday, dipping into the council's coveted arts and crafts time. 

City council member Jesse Ramos selfishly insisted that the budget not be approved as a whole, but each piece voted on individually. This method takes longer but lowers the chance of Chancellor John Engen to frivilously spend money on his own interests by lumping all items together and his spending going unnoticed. 

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14
Aug
2018

Eddie Vedder Hits Missoula, MT

Posted by Trip McNeally
Eddie Vedder in Missoula MT

Nineties grunge band Pearl Jam is set to play at the Washington-Grizzly Stadium tonight. In fact, the concert is going on right now .

Pearl Jam front man, Eddie Vedder, has released a statement that he'll be heading downtown to party like it's 1999 .

Not one to steer clear of a good time, Vedder plans on starting north and finishing his route at Missoula, MT's local institution Stockman's Bar .

**Update**

Vedder just bought a round of Michelob Ultra's for the crowd at Stock's. 

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07
Aug
2018

White Claw Unveils A New Flavor

Posted by Trip McNeally
Brown Gravy White Claw

In the wake of the success of their new Mango flavor, Whit Claw has launched a new flavor that is sure to leave drinkers wanting more.

Coming this fall, Whit Claw will be unveiling their new Brown Gravy flavor that's set to accompany Thanksgiving dinner. Taking note from Jones Soda's holiday line, Whit Claw will be starting a savory line of flavors starting with Brown Gravy.

Spokesman for White Clawe, Yule Tydee, has released the following statement:

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21
Jul
2018

Finally! The Cure For Vaginal Ants Is Here!

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Proctor&Pfizer released the first FDA approved OTC treatment for vaginal (and likely rectal) ants.

 

Boric Life, the breakthrough ant control, follows the same development arc as everyone’s little blue friend, Viagra. Originally tested as a yeast infection treatment, the scientists performing the study discovered what can only be thought of as the breakthrough discovery of the century.  “We have never seen such a high level of efficacy in a treatment!” Dr. Hugh Jass, Director of the Center For Kardashian studies, proclaimed.

 

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09
Jul
2018

IT’S NOT NICE TO FINE MOTHER NATURE...

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Fort Collins Police finally nabbed their prime suspect in Wednesday’s illegal fireworks exhibition. “While no contraband pyrotechnics were found on her person, we are confident we have the right perpetrator. “ a confidential inside source revealed.

 

DINA “Mother Nature” DIETRICH has been charged with multiple city code violations, flight to avoid arrest, and resisting arrest, claiming to be a “force of nature” that arresting officers would rue the day they met her.

 

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