14
Jun
2018

Halo Switches to Sony

Posted by Trip McNeally
Halo 7 on the PSVR

E3 has yet again raised the bar for upcoming game titles and consoles. Making up for lost ground in the previous two expos, Microsoft showed a multitude of new games and technologies to almost help users forget about their impotent press conferences in years past. Usually shadowed by Sony, Microsoft had the lime light this year. Everything was jaw dropping except one little detail.

In a shocking twist to end E3 2018, Sony and Bungie have announced a change for the future of the Halo franchise.

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14
Jun
2018

North Korean Summit Success!

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

In an American Presidential first, Donald “the cheeto” Trump and The Picked On Goth Kid, Kim Jong Un met to discuss nuclear weapons, human rights and if it was ok for Un to address President Trump as “Unca Don Don.”

 

While the headlines only discussed talks about nuclear ambitions and trade with South Korea, Denver Planet has the inside scoop.   It has come to our attention that Dennis Rodman has been traded for a bowl of kimchi and the recipe for Pican, the century egg.  Madonna was unavailable for comment.

 

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11
Jun
2018

Is Underground, Amatuer, Co-ed, Bareknuckle Boxing for Real?

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Earlier this week, police responded to what can only be described as the most bizarre of calls.

 

What started as a call to emergency services about a possible domestic abuse call, upon arrival at the Shady Lane Mobile home community in Lonetree, officers discovered an even more disturbing sight.

 

Forget the Boxing Day ring, the Octagon or the cage, this new sport can happen anywhere! In the living room, the kitchen, or our personal favorite, the bedroom. Underground, amateur, co-ed, bareknuckle boxing! 

 

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Waterton Lakes National Park, Alberta, Canada

A local bear native to the Rocky Mountains that lives near Waterton Lakes National Park in Alberta Canada is not having a good day when he was detained, arrested and fined for fishing in an area that does not allow fishing of any kind and he doesn't have a fishing license to do so according to the local park authorities there.

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06
Jun
2018

Is There No End to Millennial Innovation?

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

The American Psychological Association announced today that the recent election of President Donald “The Cheeto” Trump has caused a spike in emotional trauma related Dissociative Identity Disorder.

 

The most common sign of someone afflicted with DID include symptoms such as extremely erratic mood swings, engaging in atypical behavior, and most obvious of all, a solo selfie with a “thankful for us” banner.

 

Please reach out to those afflicted and help them find the help that they so desperately need in these troubling times.

 

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06
Jun
2018

Recent Wave of Militant Feminism Linked to one Douchebag!

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

According to a statement recently released by Wanda Paternia, Director of Inclusion at the Denver University Center for Wommon’s studies,  a majority of middle aged inductees over the last couple of years all have one thing in common. 

 

Juan Cisterci. (Pictured)

 

#douchecanoe is the latest anti-man campaign, mostly targeted at this one guy.

 

“We all have basically the same story. He charmed our pants off, then ghosted” said one new feminazi, who asked to remain anonymous on the off chance he remembers her number.

 

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03
Jun
2018

Trumps pull out game is strong

Posted by A. Neal Fyst

It seems Trumps pull out game is a strong one. Today it is reported that President Trump has pulled out of talks with North Korea.

 

“We will not deal with a bunch of commi whiners”, Trump said. Kim has responded with a new age type of evolved land-crawling nuclear submarines. At this time the people of Coon Rapids and surrounding areas take cover. We will post updates as they are available.

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